Planning our Playoffs starting rotation

Obviously, Hiroki throws Game One. The only question is whether this is the one-game Wild Card, or we win the division, in which case he’ll face the lucky winner.

Either way, Hiroki is our man. He gets the biggest float in the Canyon of Heroes parade. Understand? Biggest float. After that, well, we face questions.

For Game Two, career achievement loyalists will want Andy or C.C., but I say, "Glag!" Let's break the mold. Super Nova is our second-best starter. When we sent him to Scranton, something there scared the living Christ baby out of Nova, and he hasn't been the same. He should pitch Game Two. Yes, I know - you’re saying we need to render unto C.C. what is C.C.’s - whatever the hell that means. I get it. Still, I’m with the Ivanhoe.

That puts either C.C. and Andy in Game Three, and the key is whether we have home field advantage. If we've compiled the AL's best record - I would suggest switching Andy to Game Two, because it will be in Yankee Stadium, where the ghosts of the Babe and Wee Willie haunt the rafters, giving wedgies to enemy outfielders while they chase fly balls. The ghosts, who have roamed this grand old cathedral since it was built, will work harder with Andy than C.C. because - well - they’re racists. One of these days, Bud Selig will kick them out of Cooperstown; he has hired guns working on this, as we speak.

Phil Hughes becomes our eighth inning maestro, the Mo-pan Zee Bridge, which frees David Robertson to create his jams in the seventh. If we can run the table in the first round, a three-game sweep, C.C. will start Game One of the ALCS, and we'll call up Chris Bootcheck from Scranton, just to spice up the Fox Sports broadcasts.

Of course, with the Yankee bats scoring 14 runs per game, it really won't matter who we pitch. Maybe Alberto Gonzalez can throw a couple mop-ups, or we'll let Betances get some playoffs experience. That's how traditions are born.