Saturday, we play the always hideous 4 p.m. game on FOX, offering Tim McCarver his chance to throw some final, Stage I Alzheimer beanballs at A-Rod. If you want a drinking game, take a swig every time Tim and Joe say the word "shameful." You'll be on the floor by the third inning.
Sunday night, we appear on the vaunted ESPN game, which is like being the featured guest on "Judgement at Nuremberg," hosted by Curt Schilling. Mr. "Don't Tread on Me" is probably re-reading the Mitchell Report as we speak.
It will be a weekend of condemnation - of Yankee guilt, Yankee treachery and Yankee evil - laid out by the self-appointed morality squad of national TV, who are summoning their spittle right now - rehearsing their outrage in the studio, praying for an end to this brief Yankee resurgence, so America's youth can escape the corruption of having to hear the names "Yankees" and "Alex Rodriguez" spoken over the public airwaves.
Maybe they will take to the field and stop the game themselves, like protestors in Egypt and Syria, standing up for what is right, and halting this steroid menace - while also drawing their last big Nielsen weekend.
But throughout their rants and ravings, remember this: If they wanted to rid the country of the taint of A-Rod, the moral media could simply go somewhere else this weekend. Aren't Cleveland and Kansas City in the throes of a hot Wild Card race?
Well, that aint gonna happen. This weekend is gold-plated. It's a combination of A-Rod hatred - always a just and moral stand, (though the last time I looked, Alex hadn't cost the taxpayers of Rhode Island $75 million) - the sports world's greatest fake rivalry (good grief, Youkilis came over, and there was hardly a peep) - and the reality that one bad Yankee series will put MLB's New York metropolitan market to sleep for the rest of 2013.
If the Yanks lose three in Boston, Gotham turns the channel to Eli Manning until next April.
So here we go. As Yogi would say, it's gotten late early. If we take them in Boston, we'll be riding high, and we'll likely stay in the race through September 1. But a three or four-game losing streak puts us out to pasture. (By the way, it's an inevitability - but at least we can have fun imagining otherwise.)
Place your candles around the TV, folks. I'd call for a juju intervention, but I'm not sure whether the Yankees won't be better off in the long haul by getting Jerry Cooneyed early, and starting to prepare for next year's overhaul. This weekend should clarify everything. Close your eyes Friday night, and you'll think it's 2002 with Roger Clemens returning to Fenway.
Just don't try any drinking games.
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